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Trust
There is nothing more important than trust. It is fairly said that the first gift of the submissive is absolute trust. Trust is indivisibly connected to respect. Trust is created through honesty. The loss of any of these things in a relationship is almost always fatal to that relationship. This is especially so in a D/s relationship. Trust is fundamental. When something occurs (generally through deceit or a lack of full and open communication, the absence of honesty), that trust is reduced or diminished. The subsequent imposition upon the recipient of this dishonesty to 'forgive' the perpetrator of their voluntary action of deceit or dishonesty is a forcible non-voluntary action. This makes the recipient a victim of the perpetrator twice!!! This type of manipulation undermines the belief, the respect, the very core of the relationship.
One must remember that each of us makes voluntary choices in the decisions and actions we take. If we knowingly take an action that is dishonest or deceitful, then we are solely responsible for the consequences of that action. If we believe that we can 'get by' if caught by pleading for forgiveness, then we are actively showing true disrespect twice to the person we are violating with the initial injury.
When people are in a relationship where trust may be the line between safety and death, there can be no negotiation. No justification is good enough! In any case, even when we verbally offer forgiveness to someone, there is a part of us that will forever know what they have done. Never again will we be as open, as trusting, as stable.
Diminishment of respect occurs in the mind first, in thoughts of a disrespectful nature, for those with whom we are in a relationship. After a period of time, this disrespect becomes so 'familiar' inside our heads that we begin to present it outward to others. We begin to openly direct negative or hurtful commentary at the other person. This can be to friends, family, counselors, coworkers, etc. Often, we do not identify the source of this disrespect as having directly emerged from events that required 'forgiveness' in the past. We like to believe we are capable of full and total forgiveness. How many of us are truly saints?
The solution to this breakdown is quite simple. Make choices that do not require forgiveness. Choices that will in no way violate the trust of those you value in your life. To be respected, you must be respectable. If you are habitually dishonest, then you are actively demonstrating your true consideration of those around you. Dishonesty is a lack of basic respect. Period!
Many people justify their dishonesty by a belief that it is 'better' for the other person not to know something. This means secrets. Virtually all secrets eventually surface. When they do, your disrespect for that person will be revealed. You are not protecting them by lying, merely turning minor incidents (in many cases) into huge problems. It is a way to manipulate other people in an involuntary way. It is often hard to learn how to be honest. There are many things in our life which encourage us to lie. We learn them at a young age. This tends to set us up for years of failure in interpersonal relationships. We tend to communicate poorly, hide things that embarrass us, skirt things that are uncomfortable, and generally make terrible choices in how to live with quality.
D/s requires trust, which requires honesty, which builds respect.
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