Management

How can a Dominant help their submissive confront that last issue, the last piece of control they are clinging to, and overcome their hesitation or fear in relinquishing that control?

Management

Many things go on during the evolution of a relationship between a Dominant and a submissive. In the beginning, both people are filled with somewhat nebulous hopes, dreams, and ideas. For the submissive, they mentally decide that they can submit fully, even though this is for them a completely untried state. It is fairly easy for the mind to accept a 'role' in the short term, as in small clusters of time with their Dominant. External to those short periods of time, the submissive returns to their normal state or condition. Their mind creates a 'window' of time where it permits the submissive to 'present their submission'. This, in many ways, is an illusion. It is a manifestation of a role, not the execution of the inner self. This state of acceptable submission can and may extend for a long time if the time frames remain somewhat constant. The submissive can become quite comfortable with this 'submission' and consider themselves a full submissive. Moving the submissive out of these boundaries places them in a totally different place.

Their submission has no escape. Or their internal viewpoint tells them so. The mind is able to perform a 'role' for only a limited period of time before the other aspects of the personality increase pressure until they can release. Often, the submissive is somewhat unaware that any of this is occurring and may find from the inside that they feel restless, angry, resentful, combative, and destructive. They have convinced themselves that they are perfectly submissive. Often, especially in new Dominants and submissives, there are elaborate creations or expectations of what a full D/s relationship is in the real world. People build up fantasy submission and Dominance. Moving from a somewhat infrequent or occasional meeting to a relationship where the two live together instantly puts the submissive in a state of defense.

Maintaining this idealized role can be difficult when the relationship shifts toward reality. The core challenge for the submissive is reconciling the illusion of submission with genuine vulnerability and trust. Truly submitting requires releasing fear and giving up self-defense. For the Dominant, the most important role during this transition is to create stability in the relationship. The submissive needs to feel secure that the Dominant's attention is not divided, reducing any fears of abandonment. Sometimes a submissive's suggestion of polyamory is a sign of internal conflict or a method of coping with the threat of genuine intimacy. Poly arrangements should be postponed until the relationship is stable and founded on love, trust, and respect.

Next, the Dominant needs to tell the submissive what will happen and why. In this way, the Dominant is reassuring the submissive that the outbursts, fears, and acting out are part of the submission process and are normal. The Dominant should also indicate to the submissive at this stage that they will take a firm stance on all outbursts to maintain consistency for the submissive as they struggle with real submission. By this, I mean calm and reasoned responses to ALL of the submissives action. Be firm and kind. If the Dominant and submissive are now living together, it is generally a good time to create a 'position of punishment'. In most cases, this is a corner in the bedroom or closet where the submissive is remanded to upon each occasion of acting out. If they are noisy (have had a loud verbal exchange), the Dominant should have placed within this place a comfortable gag where if the submissive continues to argue will know they will be gagged. (Many submissives hold gags as a limit - do not neglect to take your submissive to a shop and have them there when you purchase the gag. ) Indicate to the submissive who has a gag as a limit that they control having it used if they are verbally assaultive, after perhaps 2 direct warnings!!!

A punishment place should be staged. The submissive may be remanded there to sit comfortably for a short amount of time to think. An egg timer should be purchased to calculate the time of punishment. If the acting out does not diminish, the Dominant can move to a stage of removal of clothing, even to an uncomfortable kneeling position, then to kneeling atop an office mat upended. The discomfort increases should parallel the obstinacy of the submissive. After each punishment, the Dominant should remove the submissive and comfort them. The Dominant should not allow the submissive to talk about the event for at least an hour. This is a cooling-off period.

I should note here that this type of regular structure is easy for the submissive to understand and accept. To some extent, they control the level of punishment via their emotional outburst, so the Dominant should realize that if a submissive 'pushes' it, then they may feel an internal need for a stronger punishment. The Dominant needs to guard against feeling sorry for the submissive and realize that the submissive is quite competent and, in actuality, is testing the Dominant's strength. The Dominant should never punish in any way that is ego-destructive or part of the in-scene play between Dominant and submissive. In other words, do not consider punishing by whipping, caning, etc. To do so can diminish the submissive's ability to enter subspace and can create trust issues. In addition, some submissives enjoy this type of corporal punishment and will act out to be punished (not the type of response you are looking for).

Be sure to set up your relationship so that it is manageable. In this, I mean that a submissive is not submissive all the time, nor is a Dominant, Dominant all of the time. Create space where both can relax and be vanilla, talk openly without reprisal, and engage in exchanges where the submissive can appear to be dominant even. These spaces do not challenge the roles; actually, they release the needs of the psyche to express all sides of itself. In many cases, the Dominant should consider him/herself to be the King or Queen and their submissive to be the Comptroller of Affairs. The King manages the Comptroller . . . the Comptroller manages the King's realm (household, children, etc.) The Comptroller should take on all aspects of the King to those below the submissive, and be totally responsible for their management to the King. This is a chain of command. It also allows the submissive to be able to manage and control many things and express themselves over their environment. The King/Queen attains the results they desire, and in general, the submissive is only too willing to release control in the presence of the King/Queen.

This type of creation keeps the King/Queen from micromanaging every detail of life. It allows healthy creativity and room for the submissive to express their devotion by 'managing' things for their Dominant. Be in control of when and where you require your submissive to be submissive to you. This can be through keywords, signs, a look, or other means. In this way, the submissive is not controlled all of the time, nor can s/he pressure the Dominant to be controlling all of the time.

Full submission is accomplished through trust. This is built over a long period of time. When a submissive knows that the Dominant is trustworthy to the depths of their soul, eventually they will release fully to them. This cannot be rushed.

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