Conversions

Conversions

(This is based on a real-life question about the possibility of converting a vanilla person toward the kink lifestyle known as D/s BDSM. I will not address the ethics of whether or not one should consider this, but instead look at the possibilities.)

So, you head into the deli next to your office building at lunch, and on your way up to the crowded counter, you almost trip over her. (I will explore the female for this article) You take one look at her and want to 'Dom' her. The thought both embarrasses and intrigues you. (I will assume here that you have enough chutzpah to engage her in conversation and invite her out.)

The core of the situation is your desire to introduce a 'vanilla' person into D/s. I will explore a few dynamics first. Vanilla is a loose term we use to identify those outside the D/s BDSM world. Beyond that, it has virtually no other meaning in this context. Human females (in the United States) have been raised in a patriarchal society where the Father figure was head of household, women were expected to mind, tend, and manage the household, and in general adhered to ancient traditional roles. In the latter half of this century, there was a huge push to have 'the American Dream,' which included a big house, a couple of cars, a TV, nice furniture, and a couple of kids in a nice suburban neighborhood. To 'finance' this 'Dream', it became necessary for business or industry to redefine the roles. These industries piggybacked upon old-time female suffragette movements to 'free' the American female and send her into the workforce by the millions. The American female bought into this new freedom and equality and leaped. Only a few problems occurred. Among these were a loss of family integrity, an emasculation of the woman's femininity, conflict between male and female, and a blurring of the lines. Women found they were told to 'dress like men' to get ahead, and when they did, they became 'bitches'. Men were told to 'be more sensitive' and not to look at a woman in an admiring way, or they would be brought up on harassment charges. Both genders were forced into roles that didn't fit well. The long and short of this history lesson is this: divorce rates skyrocketed, children detached or did not bond to biological parents, and the incidence of crime escalated. The 'Dream' remained unattainable since the instinctive imperatives inside the 'female' never left. She was no longer just in charge of managing a house, home, and family; she was now required to take on the role of her 'missing mate' as well.

The most popular type of book sold to adult females in the United States today is the romance novel. Inside this novel, the woman is strong yet vulnerable, the man strong, powerful, mysterious, and virtuous. The woman struggles, the man captures. This is what a majority of the women struggling with mangled lives yearn for. Someone to pay them attention, to care enough to sit on them when they go off the deep end, loving enough to hold them tightly when shit hits the fan. Gee...sounds sorta like that woman is looking for a Dominant.

Each of us shares these traits and longings to some extent. You can assume that the woman in the deli is human. If she is single, she probably has a desire to have someone in her life to love. There is also a strong likelihood that she has a yearning somewhere in her heart to be 'swept away' by a man. Ok, what does this mean to you? First, women like men who dress sharply, clean, dark, and mysterious. Be available and reclusive (women love mysteries). Behave in a gentlemanly way (insist on opening doors, taking her elbow, etc.) If you don't know what this is, look up a good book on etiquette. Pay attention! Women love attention; they also like to be chased. Tell her that you come from a long line of strong men and that you enjoy wonderfully feminine women. Be attentive and aloof. (dress dark and masculine) Do not move quickly toward sex. Show you are interested by kissing (really well and don't keep your mouth open like a fish), be tactile and touch her arms a lot, and occasionally brush her butt. If you get to the point where you know she is building 'feelings' for you...tell her you need to have a serious talk with her and arrange a nice but quiet private evening. At that meeting, tell her that you are a very physical lover, you enjoy being male and 'taking' your woman somewhat more 'forcefully' than would be considered normal. You would like for your relationship to progress deeper, for you are developing feelings for her, but you are an 'honorable' man and feel it is incumbent on you to tell her of your nature before progressing further with the relationship.

She will be very curious, a little afraid, nervous, excited, and probably aroused. When she tries to query you further, give her a book, something like the 'Story of O '. Tell her you thought 9 1/2 Weeks was one of the most erotic love stories ever written. Suggest watching it together (have a tape). At that point, slowly lead her into what is probably a strong latent fantasy for her. Go slowly, remain mysterious and loving. If she has the capacity and desire to convert, she will. If she understands that you will value her more if she fills those ancient roles, then she is more likely to consider doing so. Be honest, direct, and sincere. Go slow!

Women fear diminishment of status, loss of personal integrity, and loss of marriageability (equated to puritanical practices).

(Essentially, I have never looked at a man that I didn't believe carried a hidden desire to be 'taken' by a strong woman. I think some of the dynamics between men and women are different, and some are very, very similar. I have never been rejected by being direct with a stranger, by walking up to him and telling him he is attractive as hell. I believe the core of this is attention; humans flourish under the attentions of others. There is perhaps an instinctual desire to please and be found pleasing. A want, need, and desire to be wanted, needed, and desired. S/m is not as far out as people want to believe it is; dominant sexual practices have been the 'norm' for hundreds of thousands of years. Be considerate, courteous, and honest. If you are, those traits will communicate to others.)

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