Ask today

Ask today - Safe tomorrow ~

Sometimes we give much weight to what people say to us. This is particularly so for people who become known to each other through the Internet and phone. When written or verbal communication becomes our only available 'measure' of a person, then we tend to become dependent on using our judgment as to the depth or veracity of what we hear. If we approach a new relationship with this handicap and if we are in a somewhat vulnerable state, then we may be further inclined to offer a level of belief toward this unknown person we are communicating with. In a sense, we want to believe what they have to say, so we encourage ourselves to override years of caution and offer this person an almost limitless sphere of trust. This decision to trust can become so powerful that even when opportunities present themselves to check for truth, we ignore them. Sometimes going so far as to tell ourselves that such a check in some way diminishes the belief we have claimed both to them and to ourselves. In this case, we deliberately 'blind' ourselves to any information that may present itself as contrary to the established truth.

It becomes fairly easy to 'build' a stranger into the 'design' we think we have searched for our entire lives. It is a way to resurrect hope and old, tarnished, battered by life dreams of the perfect man, or perfect woman. Further, it is like humans to create a 'mating dance' when meeting an 'available' or 'potential' mate. This dance, in part, is expressed through a deliberate seeking out of 'similar' signals. We tend to look for a common language, common hobbies or experiences, something to use as a foundation for an ongoing conversation or to further contacts and increase the potential of mating. Within this 'courting dance', we tend to ignore or push aside those things which are 'different' in part because we know that such differences, if brought forward, might erode our so carefully constructed relationship foundation. If you couple the need to believe again, to find someone to fill the voids in your life, with this biological 'alignment' of similarities, then you may find the combination difficult to resist and almost impossible to view objectively.

If you take this 'mixture' further and express it within the arena of D/s, you can then add a component of ritualized responses, which inhibit open communication. This can be especially true if the individual is on the submissive side of the relationship. Very shortly after 'meeting' online, the submissive may be encouraged to respond 'in role' at all times during online conversations and email. This 'structure' by its nature is aligned toward the concept of one person offering direction and the other person following or accepting that direction. Open or intimate conversation may be an early casualty of the desire to 'fit' into the desired role. If no early open areas are created, then the submissive may find themselves somewhat trapped within this role. Often, they will not see this as being trapped since 'finding' this 'special person' is very important to them. They will tell themselves that this 'limitation of information flow' is what is proper between their perception of Dominant and submissive. Beyond a certain point, 'asking' can be viewed as disrespectful. So, necessary questions may remain unasked and unanswered. The submissive may feel that this floating trust adds just that little bit more risk and edge to their situation or budding relationship.

By viewing this process in reverse, you can clearly note the times or moments when such decisions were made, when the individual chose to offer trust instead of real information. This launching of the self into the unknown is also a choice. By accepting the 'limitations' of real information, the individual can make decisions which, on some level, they know are based on possibly erroneous assumptions. By not asking certain questions, they take a step toward reducing the long-term viability of the new relationship. This is an action directed by the free will and choice of the individual. As they take each further action, which may lead them into an unsuitable union, they are, in basic ways, expressing the desire to be in a temporary union, one that stands the highest risk of falling apart in disunion after a very short period of time. This 'idea' may be mentally intolerable, and frequently the individual will persuade themselves that what they truly are looking for is a stable, long-term, healthy interpersonal relationship.

However, with very few exceptions, the strength of a relationship is built over a long period of time based on the actions of the individuals involved in the relationship. It is less important what you believe, or what you tell yourself, and more important what you do, to, toward, and for that relationship and indeed for yourself. Intentions are empty descriptions. Your 'action' is who you are; it is what you really do. Trust that if given easily and cheaply will be repaid by its easy and cheap stripping. Trust shouldn't be given at all. Trust is something that you, as an individual, earn. If you are a person who willfully chooses to take actions against the basic structure of your relationship, you are simply expressing your true 'feeling' for that relationship. By seeking 'forgiveness' for actions, you are indeed requesting that those who have trusted you should accept this willful injury of themselves, and release you from responsibility for your choice to injure them in the first place. A double injury.
 

If you are seeking a relationship via the Internet or some form of dating service, use all of the same tools you would use when seeking any relationship. Be safe. Meet in open, public places. Create safe call numbers and USE them. Ask questions. Take a look at your date's photo ID. See if the names match, and if the addresses match. Beyond the normal range of safe call questions are some questions that should be asked. The growth of the Internet is creating 'opportunistic predators', these are people who will seek out anyone they believe is vulnerable purely to use that person for their own motives or purposes. Further, people are entering the lifestyle looking for a place to 'hide' their behaviors of violence and abuse. Ask any potential relationship partner if they have a criminal record, if they have ever been charged with domestic violence or stalking, if they are a felon, if they have ever been charged with a sex crime such as rape or child molestation, or if they have ever been charged or implicated in the death of anyone else. Felony conviction records are generally available to the public, requiring only a name to be searched. If your potential relationship partner has any type of charge or conviction against them, then do the research to INDEPENDENTLY explore the nature of the charge and findings against them, if you continue to be serious about them. Do your best to gather clear and factual information to the best of your ability prior to placing yourself in a position of extreme vulnerability. And finally, whenever possible, DATE locally. Meet early in the relationship, see if there is physical chemistry. Then check your date out. If you notice an inconsistency, don't allow yourself to put it into the ignore box; if you select poorly, that choice may injure or destroy you.

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Archivist Note: Email links (steeibtrfl@aol.com, steelbfl@sonic.net) are no longer valid and have been omitted from this archive. The bookstore link was for a heritage site that is no longer active and has been omitted from this archive. OP's works were not found on the successor live site. Also, the discussion group on Yahoo Groups is no longer available and was not found on archive.org. 

To purchase books by the OP, please search your preferred bookseller by title or "F.R.R. Mallory", the nom de plume of the OP.

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