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Humiliation
...and the female submissive
Humiliation:
To subject one to severe and vexing embarrassment. To shame!
One of the most delicate practices of the BDSM community is the art form of directed, controlled, willful, and consensual humiliation. Shame is a painful emotion caused by consciousness of guilt or impropriety. Within the area of humiliation, the dynamics that are at play are in some ways different between the male submissive and the female submissive. Because of this, I am treating them separately.
Propriety is the fear of offending against conventional rules of behavior, especially between the sexes. The standard of social acceptability. We are each the product of our gender, upbringing, culture, and apparent material status. Positioning within this social structure is often apparent through the teachings and expectations of 'proper' conduct. This is especially true for women. Women tend to be held to a different level of accountability from men, where any apparent variation from the acceptable norm is severely punished. Issues relating to female sexuality, exposure, and promiscuity are tied up in the cultural language of unacceptability. To be considered 'decent,' a woman must cover up, shut up, keep her legs crossed, her eyes down, and her 'indecent' opinions to herself. This is, of course, functional societal controls at work. To cross any of the societal boundaries can cause a woman to be cast out of her peer group, be physically, mentally, and emotionally exposed to the ridicule, cruelty, and even physical assaults of virtually anyone, without the safeguards and protections given to a 'decent' woman. Violating these boundaries can and does alter a woman's status within her family, friends, and community. Stepping 'outside' means she is 'asking for' or 'deserving of' physical, mental, and emotional abuse. She becomes a lesser being. Discountable and discardable.
Though our society is slowly changing and altering in some of these perspectives, we as human beings adapt to altered or apparent changes in perspectives very slowly. Often, we carry the same ideas and traditions as our grandparents, only now those ideas are not socially correct in the rhetoric of the day, so we hide them and pretend that we are liberal enough to openly accept the variations and differences between us. We are weak. We judge each other. In some form, we all jockey for apparent position, rank, or status.
When it comes to using humiliation techniques on a female submissive, these fundamental dynamics need to be considered and understood. The female does not wish to lose status, especially with those persons whom she respects and loves, such as family, friends, and coworkers. That status is generally hard-won and of significant value in how that female views herself in her world. However, many female submissives desire, want, and need to be taken across these invisible boundaries into the person who lurks inside who enjoys all those naughty pleasures of the flesh that the proper and 'decent' woman on the outside is forbidden to admit to.
The Dominant walks a fine line of reinforcing the strong positive mental health and imagery that the submissive female needs to be happy and healthy, while overtly violating or forcing this same female to experience taboo language, dress, behavior, and responses. Learning the nuances of your submissive female is crucial here. If she has been the victim of past explosively verbally assaultive language coupled to mental, physical, or emotional abuse, then she will probably have certain language or word triggers that thrust her into potentially severe memories and responses. This is not what the Dominant wants to do. Humiliation, properly done, is part of a freeing process. A way for the sensual, erotic, impulsive woman/child within to escape the bonds of societal behavior and express herself in a completely reprehensible way
Many apparent aspects of submission are shameful or in opposition to what most females have been taught is behavior appropriate to a woman. Coupled to this are the conflicting messages that have been taught over the past 30 years. For many female submissives, the simple action of kneeling at the feet of a Dominant for the first time is filled with excesses of emotion. She does not want anyone to see her doing this. Especially her children and friends. It is the Dominant's responsibility to ensure that her status remains inviolate. Never overtly humiliate your female submissive in or near her family, friends, or coworkers. It is generally only acceptable to humiliate her in private or within acceptable surroundings, such as the atmosphere of other D/s people, wherein this is acceptable or non-status-reducing conduct!
Most female submissives adapt fairly quickly to kneeling to their Master/Mistress, addressing them using agreed-upon honorific titles, and conceptualizing the 'in-the-presence' behavior protocols established between the female submissive and her Dominant. With a new submissive female, every step is a ledge, a challenge, a mystery, and a terror. She must believe that her Dominant will not allow injury to befall her at exactly the same moment that she voluntarily agrees to obey instructions which are in direct opposition to everything she has been taught. This is an enormous undertaking. It takes courage, belief, and trust. If you are a Dominant, don't screw this up!!! Retain an awareness of the mental challenges at work with what may appear to you to be simple instructions.
If you stumble into anything that summons a lightning-fast negative reaction, do not rush to discipline or punish, but step in and comfort your submissive and insist that she engage in a conversation to reveal the root cause of the reaction. You cannot know the path which she walked up to the moment you met her; you can guess at some, hear some from her, but essentially, the details of that life will forever remain somewhat mysterious.
The most common forms of humiliation that formerly vanilla women want or ask for are the language of their socially unacceptable sisters. Slut. Whore. Cunt. Many have a fantasy of 'being' this naughtiness within the free acceptance of their Dominant. They want that part of them to fly, to scream, to wear clothing that is too tight, too revealing, too sexy, and they want their Dominant to find them alluring, sluttish, sexually promiscuous. Everything they have never been allowed to be. At the very same time, they want and need their Dominant to revere them. Mutual respect. If their Dominant truly disrespects them, then the submissive female's ego and self-image can be totally destroyed. Her ability to trust enough to BE a slut can disappear, and she can and may flee from this activity forever.
Speaking crudely to a submissive as well as handling her firmly can make her enormously aroused. Most female submissives do not wish to experience public humiliation, such as being led down a public street in their hometown where people may recognize them in a leash and collar. Many do like and want to be challenged into completing a task, which places them at risk or in a position of embarrassment. This can be an assignment to go into a pet store (not in their hometown) to try on various dog leashes in the presence and within view of the shopkeeper and other customers. This can be to board a flight wearing a collar, dressed skimpily (again, a situation where she is relatively anonymous yet exposed). These adventures, when successfully completely should be rewarded. It takes courage to face down the judging eyes of other people. It also makes the submissive stronger as she learns that she can do these things, the little getting away with something naughty.
Humiliating someone healthily and positively is difficult. It is essential to remember that each of us is somewhat different every day. There are days when we are feeling strong and days when we are feeling weak. Crossing into negative diminishment is very easy to do, especially at the early stages of a relationship. The objective is to create excitement, enjoyment, and pleasure for both yourself and your submissive. It is not to destroy, injure, or damage. Women hear words differently. Remember that they never forget negative 'cuts'. These words of power become a litany that they hear forever. Once said, you can never call them back. You may apologize, and she may forgive, but the words will still be there. When using humiliation techniques, remember that at some point she may take such commentary out of context. This is especially true if you use language about or comment on her appearance (if she is fat, etc.), avoid the common diminishment techniques of society if possible. Humiliation done well reduces a submissive just to the point of a sensual, erotic, free female. Do not use humiliation to punish her - (language used in anger, which is similar to 'play' or previously used 'affectionate humiliation language'). Doing this will alter the words or techniques from those of bonding, fun, and excitement to verbal abuse!!!
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