Adding Submissives

Adding Submissives

Stables. Harems. Multiple partners. Orgies. Slaves to do your bidding. These are alluring images that captivate many new Dominants. Such desires are often rooted in the appeal of living out childhood fantasies. We grow up immersed in stories, becoming the hero or protagonist and vicariously experiencing their adventures and emotions. As we reach puberty, these fantasies shift to explore sexuality and forbidden experiences. Humans are naturally drawn to what is deemed naughty or prohibited by parents, culture, or religion. We often seek escape from our mundane lives to something more exciting and fulfilling.

When a person 'finds' the BDSM community, it is rather like finding a gift box. The unattractive boy or girl who was left holding up a wall at a high school dance is suddenly offered a banquet of opportunity. Unfortunately, most of us have experiences of negativity, which may at times influence our choices and decisions when considering tasting of these naughty fruits.

It is important to remember that ALL decisions have almost invisible ramifications on the other people in our lives. Although the prospect of adding submissives can appear ideal, it is crucial to recognize the real impact these choices may have on existing relationships. Overlooking potential harm in pursuit of fantasy neglects the complexity and responsibility inherent in such decisions. The main argument is that unexamined actions can damage foundational relationships and disrupt lives.

Many people have been 'discovering' D/s through the purchase of a computer and exploration of the Internet. Often, these people are married and begin to explore bringing D/s into their home life after sometimes 15-20 years of vanilla marriage. This is difficult in the best of situations, requiring both the Dominant and submissive to alter deeply ingrained habits, responses, thoughts, ideas, and attitudes. Continued involvement within the online community will often present people with 'new' possibilities. Many people get involved with someone new because they are treated 'differently' than what they are familiar with in their real-life relationship. Often, they will talk themselves into the 'idea' that there is nothing 'wrong' with playing online. It does not take too long to get past that idea into the concept of having a 'second submissive'.

At this point, the new Dominant will often present this idea to their existing spouse as a completely normal and acceptable choice. There is pressure applied on the new spouse to 'accept' this introduction into their lives and adjust to the changes, or have their world utterly disrupted. Part of the problem with doing this is that within a spousal relationship, there are distinct definitions of role or status that have been carefully built over many years. The introduction of a new, sometimes younger, more attractive person as a 'sexual' addition can create intense instability. The spouse submissive may be able to conceptualize the idea of a new person entering the relationship, but may suffer extreme feelings of abandonment, loss, fear, instability, threat of loss of family structure, embarrassment, shame, and loss of status. Many of these feelings will be stuffed away inside. This is especially true if the submissive spouse is trying very, very hard to live up to the ideal of the submissive that they have come to understand from the descriptions of this position, mostly through online information and contacts.

The Dominant may be mostly, if not totally, 'blind' to these concerns. Often, a Dominant gets so 'filled' with their own presence, the opportunities, and quite frankly, blind lust that they marginalize the true implications of their decisions mentally. Many new Dominants believe that they can easily 'handle' the needs of several submissives at once. This is not only difficult, but it can also be extremely misleading from an exterior view. Every submissive requires, needs, and desires a sincere and strong level of personal attention. Given that such a choice is made, where is the Dominant drawing the attention from to give to this new person? In most cases, we have jobs, careers, hobbies, children, and families that demand a large percentage of our discretionary time. What little time remains available usually goes to our life partner or spouse. This usually means that the Dominant is drawing from their existing relationship in order to give to the new relationship.

Coupled to this are all of the lives that are impacted by the creation of new ties. Often, people will bring people into their homes because they do not have the time or money to provide a separate place to be with this new person. Many have a desire for the second or third submissive to live IN the home with the preexisting family, sometimes sharing the marital bed. This is very similar to creating a stepfamily. All of the new person's issues enter the family at the same time. All of their hopes, desires, feelings, and habits are part of their package.

This type of forcible inclusion by the Dominant can be quite devastating for the submissives who are part of this creation. The new submissive will often feel threatened by the old submissive and vice versa. Both will vie for attention, sometimes using children or other issues to garner the Dominant's attention. Often, the submissives will not want to feel the sensations they feel and will try very hard to blend or get along. It should not be forgotten that vanilla standards continue to work; a submissive can 'agree' to such an experiment and feel they have been betrayed when it occurs. In many cases, this simply doesn't work well and can be destructive in how the other people in the family come to view the actions of the Dominant, including parents, children, and close friends. In most cases, the risks of damage are simply not worth the often short-term affairs.

Sometimes secondary submissives can be added into a relationship if that is part of the objective from the beginning for all concerned. This usually works best if the submissives are independently close friends or sincerely drawn to or interested in each other. Some submissives enjoy sharing a Dominant, co-scening, co-living, and generally being in a poly or multi relationship. These tend to be the exception rather than the rule. In addition, some submissives simply like to co-scene but have no desire to live with or have intimate relations with a preexisting couple. In general, a non-sexual partner is often easier to accept than a sexual partner. It is my personal opinion that this type of relationship works best when children are not involved in a family-type arrangement. When all of the adult partners are single, mature, independent, and unencumbered. Communication becomes even more crucial when more voices are present!!!

A Dominant needs to also consider and remember the extensive needs and requirements of a single relationship and accurately realize that they are multiplying the issues, needs, concerns, complications, and responsibilities with each addition into their life. It is my personal opinion that this type of relationship works best when children are not involved, whether they are grown or living with a former spouse, and when all parties are honest, open, and loving with each other.

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Archivist Note: Email links (steeibtrfl@aol.com, steelbfl@sonic.net) are no longer valid and have been omitted from this archive. The bookstore link was for a heritage site that is no longer active and has been omitted from this archive. OP's works were not found on the successor live site.

To purchase books by the OP, please search your preferred bookseller by title or "F.R.R. Mallory", the nom de plume of the OP.

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