Safe

Safe

Safe:

Secure from threat or danger, harm or loss.

Except that there is no such security. D/s and BDSM exist where safety is tenuous at best. Assurances of complete safety simply cannot be given. The human being is a complex and intricate construction. A considerable amount of information is available on tool and toy safety, so I will not cover that aspect here. In a sense, it is the easiest and most visible interpretation of the Safe concept within the lifestyle. It is important, but in many ways, overly considered when people think about what is safe.

Danger within D/s comes in many forms. There is the obvious physical danger to a submissive who must give over physical trust in order to scene with another person. Since in the beginning all relationships are with strangers, this means a huge leap of faith and the 'hope' that this stranger is worthy of such physical trust. When a stranger is unworthy, the sub may become injured or even die. However, there is a significant amount of psychological danger too. A submissive must give over trust psychologically, which places them in a position of mental and emotional vulnerability as well.

There is a less obvious physical danger to a Dominant, especially the Female Dominant, though not exclusively so by any means. When engaging in a new relationship, we place ourselves in positions of intimacy with strangers. Mental problems may go unseen, and reactions may be triggered that set off irrational behavior. In such cases, submissives occasionally act out against their Dominant, sometimes with fatal results. Again, this risk can be managed or minimized by taking the time to get to know your partner slowly, not succumbing to fast sceneing when you do not know their mental triggers. And, by deploying the same types of safe calls that should be used by a submissive as well. The foreknowledge that the individual's identity and location are known to someone external to the scene goes a long way in containing irrational violence. The presence of repercussions is a good check and balance! This does not make you risk-free!

A violation of boundaries is all too easy to do, especially when a relationship is new. Your partner cannot know the details of your life, events in your past, and the residuals of abuse that may exist. Some of the same triggers that stimulate a person can be gateways to abuse. There are no 'fast' ways to learn these things. Every individual is unique, and their past is unique. This is for both the Dominant and the submissive. A submissive can behave in a manner that triggers a Dominant into negative actions based on past events.

People can be threatened on both sides of the slash. A Dominant may try using threats in order to control a submissive. (This is a very poor technique, by the way, and ultimately will lead to total failure of the relationship.) A submissive may try using threats in order to control the Dominant. (This is equally poor, generally reflecting poor mental health, selfishness, failure to release control!) An example of this is the submissive who might threaten to out a Dominant publicly (thereby ruining their reputation and may even destroy careers and family), or a submissive who might threaten to commit suicide if their Dominant ends the relationship with them. All of these types of actions within a relationship are examples of poor self-esteem, poor mental health, an inferior understanding of how to direct action, and a demonstration of personal fear.

A relationship that uses threats for control is in trouble. It is an expression of fear of loss. That loss may be of control, respect, trust, or the person entirely. Fear can destroy everything. It makes people irrational and subject to making choices they might never consider at other times. It can drive them to injure, abuse, and destroy. Safety suggests we should be free from threat. That the actions we take are not driven by an underlying fear.

Danger is exposing or involving anything likely to inflict injury. When considered in that way, it is easy to see that D/s and BDSM do include danger. It is virtually impossible to be secure from anything that is likely to inflict injury. From the physical standpoint, the Dominant is in the position of 'stressing' and 'extending' the submissive, both mentally and physically. This is dangerous. It becomes an issue of risk management, attempts to reduce aspects which are known to be life-threatening or potentially so, including mental devastation. This can be fairly easily done in the physical aspect by the Dominant and the submissive learning the fairly straightforward dangers of the various tools, toys, techniques, and apparatus that they wish to use in the scene. It is very hard to do in the mental range. The application of mental pressure can easily damage, diminish the self-esteem, and even thrust the submissive into reactionary modes if they perceive their internal survival to be threatened. The signs that this may be occurring are not always easy to recognize or identify. In addition, the Dominant cannot truly know where that edge is. If their submissive has a past with strong abuse issues, it can be an accidental usage of a word or phrase that has severe implications for the submissive. Finding a way through the delicate psyche takes lots of time, effort, and care. Conversation and open exchange become even more crucial in handling issues when they do arise in order to maintain trust and respect.

I am sometimes asked what the one thing I would tell someone who is exploring this lifestyle is. My single piece of advice. My answer is this: DO NO HARM! This goes for both Dominant and submissive. If your relationship is in any form injurious to the other persons involved (or yourself), step back and consider why. It is just as easy for a submissive to injure a Dominant through lies, deceit, and a cavalier attitude as it is for a Dominant who makes the same choices. No one is invulnerable, invincible, or impervious to damage. Keeping your partner as safe as possible is an act of cherishment and value. Taking the time to go slowly is an expression of worth. For those who want to speed down the track of instant scenes with strangers and express window delivery, you are essentially violating one of the primary credo's which separates this community from abuse.

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Archivist Note: Email links (steeibtrfl@aol.com, steelbfl@sonic.net) are no longer valid and have been omitted from this archive. The bookstore link was for a heritage site that is no longer active and has been omitted from this archive. OP's works were not found on the successor live site. Also, the discussion group on Yahoo Groups is no longer available and was not found on archive.org.

To purchase books by the OP, please search your preferred bookseller by title or by the OP's noms de plume: "Mistress Steel" and "F.R.R. Mallory".

Retrieved April 2026 https://web.archive.org/web/20120127120752/http://www.steel-door.com/Safe.html.

Other relevant links: RACK vs SSC here, Sane here, Consensual here, and Challenging Consent here.

Safe:

Protected from danger, harm, or risk;
Something secure, reliable, or unharmed.
Synonyms: secure, guarded, protected, reliable, and unharmed.