Switches

Switches

The Switch. Adding this component to the understanding of the community is often similar to adding a dose of confusion or chaos. In addition, many within the online community have chosen to malign people who identify themselves as switches, and they tend to be made to feel uncomfortable within the two easily identified groups of Dominants and submissives. This is unfortunate and very wrong. When any group becomes polarized or elects to ostracize or exclude people who express themselves differently, they inevitably weaken the whole. Being a Switch does not make the individual any less a member of the community. There is some evidence that the Switch community may actually be the largest and fastest-growing segment of the community. It is true that within the real-life community, a large percentage of both Dominants and submissives have at some point switched orientation. There is also a tendency, primarily in the online community, to believe that a Switch is not a Dominant or submissive at all, but instead a Top or a bottom. While this is true sometimes, it is not true all the time.

In general, a Switch can be looked at in three ways. A Dominant/Switch, a submissive/Switch, and a split/Switch. The vast majority of Switches fall into the first two of these three groups. The individual will have a primary orientation of either Dominant or submissive and a secondary orientation of the opposite. This means simply that they tend to express the majority of their personality or aspects in either the Dom role or the sub role. Many Switches are lifestyle BDSM people with strong beliefs, feelings, hopes, desires, and dreams, just like everyone else. Often, Switches will live with or be happily married to a D/s partner who may or may not be a Switch. They will spend the 'majority' of their time in their primary orientation and the minority of their time in their secondary orientation.

In many ways, coming to grips with or fully understanding the complexities of living as a Switch is perhaps one of the most challenging tasks in all of D/s. Making sense of the confusion, coupled with a desire to belong somewhere, forces many Switches into choosing one side or the other. There is a tendency to believe that being a Switch means that the individual has avoided 'being' a Dominant or submissive, that they may be weak, afraid, or lacking in personal conviction. As if there is a rule somewhere that says you must be totally Dom or sub, or you cannot be part of the community. Choosing or naming yourself something that does not fully address your reality is a recipe for future problems and extensive personal grief.

If you attempt to 'force' yourself into 'performing' as just one side or the other, then a part of yourself will remain unaddressed. Eventually, this can lead to bursts of energy release, which can be enormously destructive. In some cases, the individual may be with a person who believes that their secondary aspect needs to be destroyed. This can lead to language such as 'breaking'. Attempting to rid a submissive/Switch of their Dominant aspect through 'breaking' is fundamentally wrong. Mental and emotional battery designed to destroy a part of another human is absolutely wrong, cruel, non-consensual, and most often reveals weakness within the perpetrator than anything else. The need to 'break' someone is usually driven by 'fear' of that aspect.

A Dominant/Switch who attempts to hide or mask their desire and need to occasionally experience the opposite of their Dominant role may actually transfer personal frustration onto the submissive they are with. This can manifest as momentary episodes of lack of control, verbal abuse, emotional abuse, and even physical non-consensual abuse or battery.

Maintenance of good mental and physical health is essential in preventing these types of destructive events. This is done through healthy choices. It is all about keeping a balance, addressing all sides, and attempting to neglect or ignore nothing. Being honest about your needs is essential.

Switching from one role to another is not simple. In many ways, it can feel like moving from bright daylight into total darkness; everything needs to adjust. Adjustment takes time. And, being able to shift back at will doesn't come instinctively or easily for many people. This is especially true if a person has denied freedom for their Switch side for a long time due to attempts to 'fit' into one of the more acceptable roles. In a sense, the Switch aspect can fear future denial and attempt to cling on or maintain itself.

Learning how to move easily and comfortably between both roles takes time, a sense of personal understanding, emotional security, and a lack of fear in how either side will be viewed and interacted with by those who are important in the individual's life. Anything that impairs this sense of personal security can make the Switch aspect feel threatened and defensive. It is my personal opinion that all humans have contradictory sides, which in most cases they attempt to hide through fear of appearing 'weak' or too 'strong'. Failure to be open and honest about these sides leads to secrets, closed communication, and feelings of personal frustration. Which can, in turn, lead to the destruction of relationships.

The third type of Switch is a split or neutral Switch. Essentially, the individual does not appear to favor either a Dominant or submissive role but can openly and freely enjoy both or express both, also moving between roles with no apparent difficulty. I have found this type of Switch to be far less common. The majority of these types of Switches tend to identify themselves as Top's and bottoms. They prefer to have relationships which are quite similar to standard vanilla relationships in levels of equality and sharing, and express their passion for D/s and BDSM almost exclusively in-scene.

There are no rights or wrongs to where you may find yourself within the community. Traditionally, Dominants were trained first as submissives in order to show them through personal experience all aspects of the lifestyle. Moving from one aspect to another is not uncommon, and many believe that a full range of experience is the best way to learn about your opposite. Living as a Switch brings with it the full challenges of both sides of the coin. Expect to struggle, expect to change more. Enjoy!

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Archivist Note: Email links (steeibtrfl@aol.com, steelbfl@sonic.net) are no longer valid and have been omitted from this archive. The bookstore link was for a heritage site that is no longer active and has been omitted from this archive. OP's works were not found on the successor live site. Also, the discussion group on Yahoo Groups is no longer available and was not found on archive.org.

To purchase books by the OP, please search your preferred bookseller by title or by the OP's noms de plume: "Mistress Steel" and "F.R.R. Mallory".

Retrieved May 2026 https://web.archive.org/web/20120428152759/http://www.steel-door.com/switches.htm.