Jealousy

Jealousy ~

We call it our 'little green-eyed monster'; jealousy is that which devours our relationships, inspiring mistrust, anxiety, and fear. Jealousy occurs when we suspect rivalry or unfaithfulness, we are insecure, and fear the loss of the devotion of that which we covet. We possess. Own. Our response is often hostility, lightly veiled, anger, resentment, envious, distrustful, suspicious, watchful of harm or fraud.

(For this article, the submissives will be identified as female and the Dominant as male.)

When a new submissive is introduced into an existing D/s relationship, this can trigger sensations of intense insecurity in the Alpha Submissive. She may feel neglected, overlooked, and even discarded when the attention of her Dominant is upon the 'interloping' submissive. The Alpha may feel that her 'territory' is being threatened by an outsider and respond defensively to try to remove this threat to her 'ownership' of the relationship. Many Dominants facing this situation respond by offering verbal reassurances to their Alpha submissive. As the relationship continues, they will often 'create' a new position of Beta Dominant and instruct their Alpha submissive to fill this position. The Dominant often believes that this will reduce their Alpha's feelings of anxiety and rivalry, allowing the Dominant to 'enjoy' the three-way relationship in the way they have imagined prior to introducing the new submissive into the relationship. In a sense, such a move further displaces the Alpha from her perceived position as the primary or most 'important' submissive in her Dominant's life and relegates her to a 'discard' position. Many submissives view the role of imposed Domme as a reduction in status, or even as a dismissal of their submissive expression. They may find this enormously hurtful and hard to discuss or resolve in their mind.

The Dominant may have trouble understanding the problem or how the dynamics alter from union to combat. By positioning their submissives in the role of rival for the Dominant's attention, the Dominant creates the arena for the warfare to begin. Jealousy emerges from an underlying belief that the individual is not sufficient to satisfy or maintain the full attention of the person they are devoted to. This insecurity is often based on lifetime experiences of unfaithfulness. When the new submissive is presented, she becomes a physical demonstration of something that the Alpha submissive lacks (in the mind of the Alpha). Her presence may act as a constant reminder of her 'tenuous' hold on the devotion of the Dominant she is bonded to. The new submissive may willfully contribute toward the destabilization of the Alpha submissives 'security' in the integrity of her relationship with 'their' Dominant. The new submissive may wish to supplant the Alpha in the attentions of the Dominant or even have thoughts of the removal of the Alpha as 'her' rival, seeing a potential elevation of status.

When this dynamic is fully blown, you have a destructive structure with little expectation of relief.

To correct this problem, the Dominant needs to understand the subtleties of the viewpoint of both his Alpha and his beta submissives. Regardless of the 'amount' of time (disparities) that the Dominant may have with their beta, they must ignore these apparent time limitations and refrain from giving 'excessive' amounts of attention to their beta. The Dominant must view the situation toward the stabilization of his primary relationship. When both submissives are present, the Dominant should maintain superior attention toward his Alpha and inferior attention toward his lesser submissive, the Beta. In addition, he may wish to restructure their relationship, placing the beta submissive under the control and direction of the Alpha, who is under the direction and control of the Dominant. This may include the direction of punishment and discipline through the Alpha. By creating a strong chain, the Dominant stabilizes the insecurities of his Alpha and identifies to his beta that she is the lesser in all aspects of the relationship. In this type of arrangement, the Alpha submissive is not placed in a 'separation' role as Beta Dominant but retains her position as submissive of primary importance in the eyes of her Dominant and in the eyes of the Beta.

The Dominant needs to be diligent in maintaining this arrangement as both women will be highly attentive to the most minute details of 'favor shown'.

True poly relationships are quite rare (those successful), and when they do work, they are invariably based upon the individuals within the relationship feeling completely stable and secure or not at risk of losing the object or objects of their affections.

Many submissives become highly territorial toward their Dominants and become defensive in protecting that relationship. Some submissives actually respond as if their Dominants are 'owned' by them; some will strike out violently toward any person who appears to be attempting to alter, change, manipulate, or destroy their bond with their Dominant. (Please note that jealousy is not limited to submissives but can be equally problematic for Dominants - this can be seen in an obsessive need to grasp and control every moment of a submissives life {another type of fear of loss}.) Any manifestation of jealousy is destructive as it indicates a lack of trust, faith, and belief in their partner and their partner's long-term intentions.

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Also found May 2026 https://web.archive.org/web/20010417081921/http://www.steel-door.com/jealousy.htm