Enhancing Traits

How to Enhance the Dominant or Submissive Traits

This question is asked with increasing frequency, especially among those who are married and desire to remain with their spouse. Discovery of this lifestyle does not doom your current marriage, relationship, engagement, etc. It does become problematic, though. Once you taste the potential, it becomes very hard to resist devouring the buffet.

For this article, I will assume that your partner is at least marginally aware of the community. For clarity, BDSM refers to a variety of erotic practices involving bondage, discipline, dominance, submission, sadism, and masochism. I will further assume that you, the reader, have a strong desire to explore this lifestyle. The first step is to educate your spouse—not with explicit materials, but through open conversations and role play. Generally, when two people love each other, they want to please each other. If they discover that something excites their partner, they may be open to it. For example, sensory touch—like pinching your partner's nipples—can become part of mutual enjoyment if both consent. Similarly, you might try dress-up games as a way to explore new experiences together.

In most cases, your spouse will probably know more about this community than they admit to. Purchasing fun erotic clothing and toys can be a way to widen the range of sex play and stimulate new turn-ons that both people may be unaware of. Further conversations should continue. One of the things people have the most trouble with is being honest. They have lots of reasons not to be open about what they like and want. It can be as simple as, "Could you do this?" "I think I might really like that". In this way, you impose no judgment on your mate for not doing things before. Also, try to ask them, "Would you like this?"

If your partner is 'vanilla'—meaning they prefer traditional sexual activities—they may struggle with reconciling their background with new dynamics you suggest. If they are more open, you might pursue further activities. One subtle way to introduce information is through the bathroom, assuming it is private to you both. Place some well-made fetish magazines and books—such as 'The Loving Dominant,' one of Anne Rice's Beauty books, or a knot-tying guide—so your partner may read them. People often pick up reading material when bored. Prepare for questions and, if you receive even a partial interest in response, consider exploring the roles you are interested in. Here, 'roles' often refers to Dominant (D) and submissive (s) dynamics, abbreviated as D/s in the community.

Be aware that this may not be real. Your initial desire may change, grow, or evolve. Try to be as open and natural as possible and 'see' where it can go. I will go further now and assume that you have decided to be the Dominant and your wife (spouse) has decided to be the submissive. You are still facing all the preexisting roles that you have become accustomed to over the length of the relationship. Be sure to keep your conversation as open as possible. Try to locate your closest local organization and join to attend a few demos and meetings. Aid your spouse in connecting with submissive material and information, and try to meet other D/s couples to talk to. Some of your habits you will need to untrain, some of your responses and reactions will need to be altered or completely abolished.

As much as you will need to encourage your spouse toward becoming more submissive, you will also need to learn how to become more Dominant. This is not as easy as it sounds. Spouses are resistant in many ways and will challenge or feel threatened far more than people without the investment in the relationship. Care must be taken to maintain the relationship's stability, as both people are learning new things. Do not expect fast or easy results. Do expect hard times and tough decisions.

A Dominant makes decisions in a calm way. S/he should always be thoughtful and aware of what is just. Respect is earned. You should not dominate through intimidation, size, fear, guilt, shame, or threat of pain. You should dominate through sound, fair, and just choices, intellect, and lead as you would have them follow. If you are asking your spouse to be in better shape, you'd better be in better shape too. If you demand unfair things or behave in a dishonorable or disrespectful way, then you will be viewed in a dishonorable and disrespectful way. Make your spouse the 'focus' of your attention and do not be distracted or tempted by others. Do not bring a third party into the relationship for a very long time until your primary relationship, in its altered form, is very strong and secure, and if the introduction of that third party is desired by both of you.

Talk, talk, talk. If your spouse feels 'secure,' s/he will be willing to try hard. If you threaten to leave if s/he doesn't do this or that, your relationship will eventually end. If you are a submissive and want your Dominant Master/Mistress to become more so, you may elect to involve a mutual submissive friend for a simple scene like spanking (non-sexual). During this scene, even if you have been almost a switch in teaching your spouse, you must participate as strongly submissive as possible to reinforce your spouse's sense of being in charge. This type of cooperative scene can go a long way toward breaking free of inhibitions. Relinquishing your own 'switch' teaching role may be one of the hardest aspects of the whole process. In general, people hate relinquishing personal power. So keep in mind that the hardest battles are probably going to be those inside of yourself. Also, I need to mention here that during this process, I sincerely recommend that cyber relationships be cut way back. The presence of a potential 'mate' in the offing will cause significant problems in making your marriage work. Focus on the one you love.

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