Control

Control

Control -

To exercise restraining or directing influence over.

Within an S/m relationship, control, or the illusion of control, functions in many ways. Before going further, I wish to make clear that the Top, Sadist or Dominant does not really exercise 'control' over the bottom, masochist or submissive. What really happens is an exchange of compliance. The Top appears to direct the bottom, and the bottom appears to comply. This range of actual control is based entirely upon the voluntary compliance of the bottom. If and when a bottom should cease to actively participate in compliance with any directive, then the illusion of control vanishes.

That said, the appearance of control, direction, restraint, or influence is very real. Often, the aspect of influence is functionally real as well as/in the bottom, can fall within the sphere of influence of the Top sufficiently that their means to vacate the situation becomes impaired. This can occur for a variety of reasons, most of them mentally unhealthy. A bottom wishes to please their Top; this desire forms a means of access into the deliberation or reasoning aspects of the bottom's mind. Undue or harmful influence, pressure, or duress can be brought to bear upon this 'desire' to impose behaviors or decisions upon the bottom that the bottom in truth has no desire to comply with. This begins a pattern of violation of the underlying tenet of 'consensual' agreement between the Top and the bottom.

It can be fairly said that 'living' within a position of Top can be seductive. The rewards for 'existing' showered upon the 'idea' of Top can persuade an individual into believing that they have rights or privileges beyond the actual range or scope of what is true. These false beliefs or ideas are a form of control, corruption, and power. Buying into these illusions will begin a process of personal destruction in any long-term relationship.

A Top is no better or worse than any other human being. If they have a bottom, submissive, or slave who elects to voluntarily offer them personal respect and perhaps forms of adoration or worship, this does not mean that they have suddenly won the lottery, been elected to a divine council, or have been anointed into godhood. It merely means that the specific bottom, submissive, or slave behaves toward them in a way that is natural for the bottom, which just happens to be directed at the Top. The Top is not the 'only' Top in the universe that this specific bottom would ever find to shower these accolades upon, although most will tell you that the Top is, it is merely the Top which, at this moment in that bottom's life, fulfills that position or place inside that bottom.

Control always goes both ways. Generally, although a Top may appear to be in a controlling or directing position, the bottom contributes actions or behaviors expressly designed by the bottom to hopefully 'trigger' a response or reactions from the Top. This is often called bottoming. The only time its occurrence is truly reduced is when there is no long-term relationship underway, when there is no investment in the other person. If the Top is simply topping a person, they may have little or no real interest or care in that person, may not even know the bottom's name. In such a case, the bottom will have little or no influence over the actions of the Top. In virtually all other cases, the bottom has a range of influence.

It is simple logic that a Top cannot 'scene' by themselves. They need their partner to scene. Not only that, they want their partner to comply with directions during the scene. This creates a dynamic of exchange. Often this exchange is quite subtle as both parties try to comply with the perceived needs of their partner, sufficient to place both parties on the arena or stage of their choice, with a general commonality of where they want to go when they get there. This stage may be scening, or it may be a full-out relationship. The deeper the relationship, the greater the exchange. Quite often, it becomes difficult to tell who is 'exactly' on top at any given moment. Most relationships function in arenas of expertise, wherein the expert in that particular area dominates the decision-making for that area. This becomes a logical outcome to best serve the needs of the 'combined' relationship, rather than to fulfill the personal needs of either of the individuals.

So, what control is, how it works, and doesn't work, is frequently not as it appears on the surface. If you attempt to impose 'control' or direction on an unwilling person, you will quickly discover that your control was illusory. If you try to impose direction against the express wishes of the individual, you will find that this action of betrayal will eventually destroy your relationship - again a failure. Violation of 'influence' should be guarded against. Do not take advantage of your partner, nor allow your partner to take advantage of you.

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